ambiguous summer plans continue

I have absolutely checked out of my school mindset. I can't do it. I just give up on this semester lol. But you'll be glad to hear that I've come up with yet another great idea for my summer! haha oh goodness, this is pretty much a joke anymore. Here's my thought though... I think I've had this one before but now it's been further investigated.. I want to be an au pair. There's these helpful websites that match up people seeking employment and host families. This would allow me to live somewhere new and fun at no cost and plus get a weekly pay just to hang out with some kids on their summer break. It seems like a flawless plan to me but I'm sure I'm overlooking something haha. Ideally, I think it'd be awesome to live in another country for the summer. There's a lot of families that speak some English that are looking for an English speaking au pair to practice conversation with. The biggest problem with this is considering the cost of a flight which pretty much cancels out half of what I'd be making haha. The other problem is my sister is kind of getting married this summer and I'd kind of like to be around for it. Other considerations are maybe just trying to find a family out east. That'd be fun too and if they didn't need me all day every day I'd still be able to get my part time barista job I've been dreaming of haha. So this is what I've been researching for the past 5 hours lol. It's amazing how good I am at wasting time! But when I think about it... figuring out my summer plans is so much more valuable and urgent to me right now than doing this art history nonsense. I've turned into an awful student. I'm just so ready to move on from school! I want to get out into the world! ...maybe. lol

Father,
give us strength and endurance for these last few weeks!! help me figure out my plans without wasting too much time. help me prioritize. help me trust. thank you for ambiguous things to look forward to. thank you for the mocha lounge.. since i'm here once again. oops.

accumulated thoughts from some very unproductive weeks

Fun story.. I had this ridiculously long post written that had my accumulated thoughts from the past two weeks but my copy/paste option is not wanting to work for me tonight so I think I'll just rewrite it and see how it comes out differently haha. This will probably end up being a reader's digest version of the original post so lucky you.

crazy love
I had been hearing a lot of good things about this book so I decided to go out and buy it a couple weeks ago. I finished it in probably 2 days.. it was that good. Not good in the sense that it's one you read and walk away from feeling awesome about life, but good in how it convicts and challenges you. I encourage you to read it for yourself (ask to borrow my copy if you'd like) but to give you a little idea of what you're in for.. Crazy Love. Overwhelmed by a Relentless God. I love that title because that's exactly how I feel about it! haha. This book both examines the nature of God and will have you examine your own life. Be prepared for some heavy conviction but also look forward to a renewed passion and call to love. It's funny how sometimes our call to love God and love our neighbor seems like the most basic and easiest commision we could have been given and then other times it's like there's all these questions and uncertainties and resistance to it.

Hosea and the prostitute
Over the past two weeks I've developed an obsession for spending any free hour of time I find going to a local (or not so local) coffee shop. I'm sure the coffee itself is certainly a contributing factor to this addiction, but it's more about the atmosphere that I just can't get enough of. Something about that kind of setting just makes me feel still and my soul feel well. I now could give you a review on any and all coffee shops within a 40 mile radius of Huntington. While some may call this ridiculous, I choose to call it an expertise lol. I also call it market research. See, the longer I live the more I'm convinced that this is what I was created for.. to one day own the ultimate coffee shop. I love getting ideas from different places. Also, still working on this summer job hunt so that's been part of my excuse for spoiling myself like this. But anyways.. So I was at Mocha Lounge two weeks ago and I unintentionally/maybe intentionally overheard a conversation this lady in her mid 40s was having with an older home-ly looking man. She was talking to him about what she had been studying in the Word and how she was applying it to her life. I sat there absolutely engaged in how she told the story of Hosea and Gomer that I've overlooked my whole life. She shared how God told Hosea to marry Gomer and have children with her and to love her unconditionally even though she was unfaithful (hellooo she was a prostitute!) The lady then explained how God used their relationship as a metaphor for His relationship with Israel at the time. Even though the people of Israel went back and forth between being loyal to God and worshiping idols and pursuing other things, He always extended His love to them and would 'woe' them back. After listening to this coffee shop conversation I was convicted of two things. One, I'm totally the prostitute in the story of Hosea. Now please don't take that too literally lol. What I'm saying is that it's just like me to be unfaithful to my God and chase after my own sinful desires. It amazes me what a loving and patient and merciful God we serve! No matter how many times I deny Him love by not living my life solely committed to chasing after Him, He always comes through to win my heart back even if that means stripping me of that which is distracting me from Him. In chapter 14, God hears Israel's prayer of repentence and answers, "I will heal their waywardness. I will love them lavishly. My anger is played out. I will make a fresh start with Israel." Crazy love. The other thing that struck me from hearing this conversation was that it got me thinking how unenlightened my conversations with people can be haha. What I mean by that is I feel guilty of wasting such wonderful resources. I waste the gift of the Word. I waste the gift of community. There's so much to learn from each other but how often are we willing to open ourselves up and to make connections and to seek out the heart of our Lord?

Discoveries of delight
1. Rolling down a hill is quite possibly the best natural high I've found. Please, whenever you get the chance, do this for yourself.
2. Impulisve body piercings = always a good idea.
3. Date night = funny movie. I'll recommend it. You'll laugh.
4. Jenny and Tyler. If you missed them in chapel, check em out. jennyandtylermusic.com. I like. Maybe you will too.

friends, you are loved.

bitterness

Let's talk about bitterness haha. I've been struggling a lot with a resentful attitude. It seems to be that this is Satan's biggest foothold on me. It always starts with a hurt from our past and discontentment in our present circumstance. If we allow it to grow we ultimately are giving it power to damage our relationship with God, put walls up between us and others, and keep ourselves from being who we are created to be in the image of God. I'm learning that bitterness, as all emotions, is a choice. Yes we all experience all emotions at some point whether we like them or not, but it becomes our choice what we choose to dwell on and what we choose to let guide our actions. Bitterness forgets hope. It misdirects our focus from God onto our problem.

I'm often guilty of letting my emotions control my life. I don't like to accept responsibility over them. I also struggle with a great deal of pride. When I am wronged or when I don't get what I feel I deserve in this life, my pride is quick to rise up in me. It demands justice and while I'm not one to often speak its demands, it yells inside of me until I give it control.

So that's where I'm at right now... caught in the battle of telling my pride to shut up and acknowledging that God is in charge of my justice.

Father, I don't understand emotions. They're silly, and frustrating, and wonderful, and distracting. I'm sure you get much amusement from watching us deal with them but I just pray they won't have control over me. Justice is in your hands. I know you desire the best for your children but I need your help to turn over my resentment to you and trust in your goodness towards me again. I need your help in focusing on the wonderful and beautiful things in my life. I need your help in enjoying and loving other people. Thank you for the work you're doing in me through this season. Thank you for the work you're doing in the lives of my friends. May we learn how to give you control over the negative emotions we may be harvesting in our hearts.. may we learn how to love you more... may we be encouraged that it's the valleys, not the mountain tops, that bear the most fruit.

In Christ Alone

"In Christ Alone"

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
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Wow. What powerful lyrics. I've probably listened to this song ten times tonight and I can't get over the message.. I'm not supposed to get over the message. I have no other words of reflection to offer. I just encourage you to maybe listen to this song (Natalie Grant has a good version) or do whatever it takes to just wrap your heart in the Truth.. in Christ's beautiful life, His death, and Resurection. I wish you all a blessed Easter.

Father, may our hearts never be immune to the reason we celebrate these holidays. Don't let us miss that. I'm never going to understand in this life how you could take all the ugliness of my life and take that to the cross in my place. Your love just blows my mind. ...In the power of Christ we stand. Be glorified Lord.