Father,
It's Christmas. It's the day that I'm supposed to be remembering and celebrating you coming to Earth and how your life and death changed everything for me. I'm supposed to be praising you for all of your wonderful works in my life and saving my soul. I should be rereading the beginning of Matthew and letting my mind be filled with wonder and awe. But Lord... my heart isn't there this year. I guess you were probably expecting this from me, huh? It's kind of become a trend these past months for me... knowing what I should be doing and doing the exact opposite. God, it's been awhile since I've talked to you like this and why I'm actually considering posting this on my blog is beyond me... I tried writing out a sentimental Christmas themed post for my friends and I just couldn't do it... nothing seems genuine in me anymore... I don't know where my heart is at.. I figured this might be my best approach at being genuine and offering words that may be of value.
You know what's hard for me to understand though.... as much as people in my life fear that I'm making decisions that are more or less scaring me for life (ha), I finally feel happy again.. so how is that wrong? And in a way.. it feels healthy... I feel like I'm finally being liberated from my fear of judgment, my fear of how I'm perceived by others... It's not important to me. I gave up on my life ambition of having every single person I meet think highly of me. I gave up on trying to please everyone. And God, it is liberating!!
Father, you know I love you and you are the one that I do want to please with my life. Here's the thing though... I want convictions that are real. To be honest, at this point in my life, I'm not sure we're on the same page on certain things. Actually, not so much that as I'm just not sure what page you're on.. There are things I've done that people tell me are hurtful, and there's a voice in my head that echos that same thing... but I'm not sure it's your voice. It sounds more like a sunday school teacher voice, or just that voice i've known since i was a child of dos and don'ts. I want to hear your voice. If something I'm doing is not pleasing to you then tell me, but I want to know why. I want sincere convictions. It's not enough for me to just follow the rules because that's how I've been taught anymore. I feel like over this past year my eyes have really been opened to the world. God, I hate living by the law... I'm sorry if that makes me a terrible follower of you but I've just always been more of a grace person. It's always been about our relationship Lord, not a rule book.
Tonight you asked me a question. I know it was you because it's always you that comes up with these brilliant questions that getting me thinking in directions I would have never set myself to thinking. You asked, "Lindsay, what is your heart's desire right now? What is your pursuit?" And it amazes me that I have no idea. I can't say that I've been pursuing to grow closer to you... that apparently is not truth. I think perhaps this started when I began desiring change for my life. I felt stuck in the same heartache and stuck in my ways and stuck waiting on you and I needed to see something different... And here I am God. And I can't even say that I feel lost or broken or that I'm sorry. I don't feel those things God. I feel happy and I feel strong and it doesn't make sense to me. I think I've been waiting to have some kind of emotional and spiritual breakdown where I suddenly have my eyes opened to how much I've screwed up and how much I need you to take me back in your arms.... but that day is yet to come and God it kind of scares me. You've always been the one to guide me and now here I am and I've kind of taken things into my own hands more or less and I feel good! It doesn't make sense... I don't understand what you're doing here... honestly, it's one of those times where I feel like you're totally oblivious to what's going on..
Father, I desire to be a genuine person. I desire to be a person that lives with passion. I desire to be a person that loves deeply and lives freely. I desire the richest experiences this world has to offer. I desire to have a relationship with you that is stable, and powerful, and beautiful, and effects every aspect of my life here, and is eternal. It's Christmas. This day is about you Lord. And even though, you and everyone else knows what a crazy wonderful disaster I've been lately (ha), I still choose to praise you for everything you are and all that you're doing that I don't currently see or understand. Thank you for allowing me to go on this journey... I just pray you'll help me understand...show me whatever it is I'm missing. And please give my friends and family patience with me. And please, when it's time, win my heart back.
Lord, please bless my friends and family this Christmas. They are all so wonderful to me even when I know I don't deserve it. Thank you for putting each one of them in my life. Bless them. I love you, dad.
No comments:
Post a Comment